If you were in Haiti, he would have left you already

I‘m not a totally conventional woman according to my mother. When I was “allowed” to finally date and had an official boyfriend, I never dressed up unless we were going somewhere special. I got out of the gym and went to say hi. I wore regular clothes and no makeup. My theory was you need to love me in every way possible (au natural, made up, tired, etc…) I learned how to cook against my will and made a point to tell my boyfriends that I didn’t know how to cook. I never thought it was fair that I was helping my mom clean the house from top to bottom, washing clothes by hand while my brothers were just hanging out in their rooms simply because they were boys.
Fast forward many years later, my husband is the main cook in the house. He cooks, I clean. He takes out the trash, I do laundry. I think we work on striking a balance when it comes to the work around the house and in life in general. I don’t believe that if we are both working the same type of jobs and for the same amount of hours, I am expected to have food on the table every night. I never thought this was right thus I live by the rules that I believe are right. And then my mom comes to visit…..dissecting everything I do wrong of course. One of them is asking my husband what’s for dinner instead of providing it. Reminding me that my generation doesn’t know how to handle marriage and that’s why there’s so many divorces nowadays. And the coup de grâce, I am lucky I live in the US because had I stayed in Haiti, other women would have snatched my husband a long time ago because they don’t play. What does one answer to that? Absolutely nothing. Does cooking every day really “keep a husband”? Because I know some fabulous women that I observed do everything around the house and their husbands still ” strayed”. They didn’t leave their wives but always seem to have time to do someone else. Did I miss something here? Are we doomed because I failed my “training”?
I believe in love and respect. I respect my husband and I appreciate everything he does and that’s what I want him to do in return. Not just expect that his laundry is done but appreciate that it was done. I feel that when the appreciation is lacking in a marriage that’s when the real trouble start. Am  I wrong to think like that? Is that really considered a progressive or feminist thought?

I hate budgets

I never wanted to be an accountant. Both my parents are and I used to tell them: “Well I’ll just borrow your books (huge library of accounting books!) if I want some insight.” The only thing I regret about this accounting neglect was the fact that I never learned to budget. And I would have never really learned about them if I didn’t get married. You see, I may not know certain things but I always managed to save and pay all my bills. I spend, pay bills and save the rest. That was usually my pattern. These things seemed to work for me but everything changed when I got married. And then I realized that the world of finances also plays a great role in a couple’s life. In fact, it is the leading cause of divorce. Huh? What? But we love each other! No sweety, that’s not enough. You mean to tell me that my mother has been praying for me to find a husband. When I get one, not only I have to worry about keeping him (I know many have heard the advices), I need to worry about not fighting about money. You’re joking right ? No honey. See now, it’s our money, our bills, our debt. What ? So even though, I don’t have student loans, I have to worry about his. That’s right! Give me a break. Oh honey, the for the better or worse clause had a lot of sub-clauses. I signed that contract ? You sure have… with many witnesses. This is bull! Well honey, you just need to learn to budget properly and things will be just fine. What word did you use? Budget. What the heck is that? Dave Ramsey will show you. Who is that? The guy that is going to get you out of debt, he’s a genius at this finance stuff and will get you and Pooh on this same page. Have you met Pooh? I don’t think he ever heard of the concept either and is having serious issues every time I say no to something he wants. If he loves you he will do it. It just takes patience. LOL.
Yes ladies and gentlemen, we need to get on a budget and stash some cash because this I-get-payed-and-I-don’t-know-where-my-paycheck-goes-after-bills-and-stuff syndrome is kicking our behinds and is not worth it. I already know what’s on my to-do list to teach my kids because this is ridiculous. And one more thing, people should attend some finance seminar of some sort. Not when you’re about to get married but waaaay before that. When you get your first job. When you are about to graduate. When you start dating, make it a fun activities. Because I find it hilarious that you are planning your wedding, and when you see your  priest and attend the couple’s retreat, that’s when they tell you all about the statistics and ask you about the way you manage money. I find that hilarious. Because, let’s be honest, if you had said no, what would have happen? Could you even have said no when you are on the i’m-in-love cloud and controlling the make-it-a-perfect-wedding stress ? What does this advice mean: “don’t ever fight about money, it will drive your marriage apart” ? People please. The best advice for me is: get to hustle because if you have been living on your own before you got married, you will not view money the same way at all. You need to sit down and work, work, work on it and finally come together. And if you love each other, you will make it.

Pre-Cana

When you get married in the Catholic church, there are certain rituals and necessary meetings before you are allowed to get married. And if your partner in crime is not Catholic, then there’s an extra meeting for that as well. Because you have to guarantee the church that your children will be raised Catholic.  Kind of saying “This idiot’s religion is wrong, let’s make sure we save the kids!” or even “We need to perpetuate our religiong, so if you want to do it here, we will   have your children. ” — No offense, that’s all I’m saying. It made me think of my very Catholic upbringing and considered that maybe I was doomed from the start and so will me children, because if I don’t know anything else, I will only gear them towards what’s familiar and that’s my original upbringing.  hmmm…. Lots to think about.
In any case, back to the subject of this post: Pre-Cana. There is a passage in the bible where Jesus is invited to a wedding and produces a miracle by multiplying the wine. I always remember the name in French not in English: Les noces de Cana. Noces is another word for wedding, therefe the wedding of Cana. Therefore, when we were asked to attend the Seminar Pre-Cana, I knew this was a pre-marital couseling of sorts. The Catholic church makes this seminar or retreat mandatory because they want to see the success of your marriage.  In some ways I agree, it’s like a counseling to let you know where you stand and give you tips. Also, certains topics you may have never discussed about or thought of discussing were thrown in to give you a better preparation. I don’t know if other religions do it, but I think it would be beneficial for anyone. For us, at one point, it got kind of boring because we really try to be tourough with our marriage talk:  finance, kids, communication, etc… Here a few things I learned from the Pre-Cana:

1) A joint account is recommended for all finances. Not a joint and a seperate account. The joint account will force you to combine your finances and work together to achieve your goals.
2) Have an emergency fund. This account should not be touched no matter what. There must be a  serious emergency for this money to be touched. Your partner and you may determine what that emergency is.
3) Pay off all your debts as soon as possible. This is a priority and will get you to the right path quicker financially.
4) Even if you’re working now, consider the stay at home option especially when children will come in the picture. Expenses that you could be cutting down on when doing so: daycare, car (one car instead of two), insurance, dining out, baby formula (this example was hilarious cause I never thought about it and I know someone who did without when she was back at work after having the baby — more formula would be bought cause the mom wouldn’t be around to breast fed)
5) Contraception is unacceptable, it’s like going to the doctor and telling him to take out your eyes. The ability to see and the ability to give life are similar, birth control g it not going according to God’s plan. The only method acceptable is the Natural Life Planning (NFP) and is absolutly efficient.
6) Communication, communication, comminication…. Things will change, perspectives will change, weird habbits will be discovered and obstacles will come up on the road. the best way to deal with it is to be open to change and be willing to talk about it.
7) Sex is the ultimate communion that God gave us as a bond. Enjoy it and procreate. remember that the needs of your partner and yours will change over time, sometimes your libido will not be at the same level.
8) Keep God in everything you do. As Pooh told me, this relationship is a threesome not just you two.

I think that’s it for now. I can’t remember anything more that I can share. Maybe when I get home , I’ll go back to my notes and see what else was interesting.