If you were in Haiti, he would have left you already

I‘m not a totally conventional woman according to my mother. When I was “allowed” to finally date and had an official boyfriend, I never dressed up unless we were going somewhere special. I got out of the gym and went to say hi. I wore regular clothes and no makeup. My theory was you need to love me in every way possible (au natural, made up, tired, etc…) I learned how to cook against my will and made a point to tell my boyfriends that I didn’t know how to cook. I never thought it was fair that I was helping my mom clean the house from top to bottom, washing clothes by hand while my brothers were just hanging out in their rooms simply because they were boys.
Fast forward many years later, my husband is the main cook in the house. He cooks, I clean. He takes out the trash, I do laundry. I think we work on striking a balance when it comes to the work around the house and in life in general. I don’t believe that if we are both working the same type of jobs and for the same amount of hours, I am expected to have food on the table every night. I never thought this was right thus I live by the rules that I believe are right. And then my mom comes to visit…..dissecting everything I do wrong of course. One of them is asking my husband what’s for dinner instead of providing it. Reminding me that my generation doesn’t know how to handle marriage and that’s why there’s so many divorces nowadays. And the coup de grâce, I am lucky I live in the US because had I stayed in Haiti, other women would have snatched my husband a long time ago because they don’t play. What does one answer to that? Absolutely nothing. Does cooking every day really “keep a husband”? Because I know some fabulous women that I observed do everything around the house and their husbands still ” strayed”. They didn’t leave their wives but always seem to have time to do someone else. Did I miss something here? Are we doomed because I failed my “training”?
I believe in love and respect. I respect my husband and I appreciate everything he does and that’s what I want him to do in return. Not just expect that his laundry is done but appreciate that it was done. I feel that when the appreciation is lacking in a marriage that’s when the real trouble start. Am  I wrong to think like that? Is that really considered a progressive or feminist thought?

Second Culture Mommy

I was not born in the US. I was born and raised in Haiti. I moved here officially eleven years ago and have established this country as my new home. This was never my intention. The original plan was to come, study, experience the country and go back to my Haiti where I would build a great career with my U.S. diploma. I have my network down there, my parents home and everything at my disposal. No brainer.
And then, while getting my master’s degree, I fell for the trap. I fell in love. Crazy, make your head spin and heart beat faster love. He was intelligent, good looks, great smile,… I can go on but you get the picture. Funny thing is he was Haitian too but has already been living here, had an established career and had no intention of going back our Motherland. So…I did what made most sense, I stayed here.
All of this background to get to today’s topic: Dual cultures, can that be past down? I’m curious because nowadays, having Minnie Me, I am full of questions about how to raise right, to be a good person, etc… But also, how to give her a Haitian and an American culture in a non-confusing manner. Fun story, she came home the other day and wanted to play. She held my hands and wanted to spin around and started to sing :”ring around the rosy…”. I’m like what the heck is that? And then the more I listened, the song sounded familiar but it was definitely something that I didn’t learn from my childhood. It was something from the children around here. That made me wonder. I am all about her leaning these songs and I will learned them so that I could play with her (I am that kind of mom). I wonder if I could show her the games that I’ve played, the songs that I’ve learned. I loved my little french and creole songs. I loved the fun games from my childhood and I still remember most of them. How do I implement that? How have parents done it before me? Did they not care? Or were they so preoccupied in learning a new culture themselves that they just encourage their children to learn to become somewhat of a guide in this new world? Ever wonder?

You can make any dream come true

According to a family friend, Aquariuses of unbelievable optimistic person. You want to be president? Absolutely, go for it! You want to get that job? Right behind you! You want to write a book? Then start writing, I’ll read the drafts.
And there goes Pooh Bear, nodding his head away. “That’s definitely her. She doesn’t think anything is impossible.”
Let me tell you something, technically nothing is. I cannot believe that I would be so devastated over a phone when mine got stolen. Because with my little device in hand, I was able to transfer money, check where I am, what was the nearest restaurant and google whatever the heck this guy just said about Kirko Bangz. Now, let me tell you, how may people said that was impossible? Exactly! If anything this new era has taught me is that we can make anything happen. We have shuttles out in space on a regular basis! Women who are not able to carry children themselves can find gracious women that will carry them for them. So why can’t I believe that anything is possible? I mean we exist. That in itself is crazy!
So…for that reason, I want to make another dream possible. I want to be 130 lbs. I want to feel like a million bucks and look it too. I can use the having a baby excuse for so long.
Here’s the things about dreams though. What are you going to do about them?  I can’t say, I have a dream and then… nothing. That I am not optimistic about. You want to write? Write something all the time or on a regular schedule (cough -hubs – cough). You want this promotion? Talk to people, get in touch with the right people, get your grind on.  You want that job? Clean up your resume, clean up your language (cough – bro – cough) and get your grind on. You want that body? Put down that late night snack (cough- Dee – cough), stick with the plan, don’t ignore the scale and wish for the best…
So, I bought a scale and got an accountability partner. She is my cousin and after chatting up with her last weekend when she came to visit, we decided that by my next visit to NJ, I had better lost 10 pounds. Challenge accepted! Are you with me? Any tips?
By the way, I did run/walk my first 5K under 45 mins. So proud. Next year, we run all the way!

It’s a special day…

It has been some times since I’ve spoken about him. I have come to terms with my FIL. I am not as angry as I used to be. I worked hard on my attitude. I worked hard on respect. Not everything about a person is bad you know. Sometimes it takes the right perspective to visualize the good and ignore (for a while at least) the bad.
And today it is his birthday. We will celebrate tonight and I will remember all the good stuff. Like how I requested a poem from him when I was getting married to add to my program. And those words are still the loveliest I’ve found.

For the day will come when we will be strong and unwavering
And in that day it will be the fulfillment of our hidden wishes
The realization of our dreams reckless
And in that day, I’ll be all yours affectionately
And our lives in a supreme wisdom will merge forever
It will be a life full of tenderness and affection
Of Love and endless desires …

Happy Birthday my dear…

Mission Out Of Bed: Complete

It took 3 nights, lots of housework, lots of courage and lots of morning coffee but I have successfully gotten baby to sleep in her own bed. This was one of the hardest things I had to do and my heart broke so many times. But… I did it. And she still likes me. Matter of fact, when I pick her up from the sitter, I get the sweetest hug and the biggest smile. And I fall in love with her all over again.

I have to say I have some experience with little Pooh but I did not expect what Minnie Me has brought into my life. Not only incredible cuteness but some unconditional love that I didn’t even know I had. And the constant amazement at the discoveries she makes, the things she learns. I added mommy to my resume. Who would have thought? Now if I can just master the kitchen like the husband or J, get Mel’s fashion sense and some new black pumps, more dreams will come true.

Day 20

Someone you see yourself marrying/being with in the future

Took care of that about a couple of years ago. lol. Please refer the family picture from a previous post. I can’t see myself with anyone else…

Peace of Mind has a price

When it comes to dealing with a spouse that already has children, peace of mind really has a price tag. I’m discovering this first hand. When there is no set rule or written agreement, certain “things” can come back and bite you in the arse. Case and point, little Pooh’s mom decided that she will be moving out of the state very soon and of course, taking little Pooh – ahem -meal ticket-cough with her.  This is causing quite a problem in the Pooh household. You see Pooh is asking me for support and advice because he is genuinely concerned. You see according to every member of the family, mothers are fully capable of taking care of their offspring and will always want what’s the best for them. Logically speaking, this makes sense. And I’ve seen it quite often to guarantee it. They also tend to forget also , just as J pointed out, while mothers are fully capable of taking care of their children, the child does need to know his/her father, especially when the father is part of their lives. And if Pooh is really concerned about it then this needs to be considered. I will not give a lot of details but let just say that if your son is four turning five and he’s not in school, and you’re getting money for him, some of your priorities are not set. And if your son doesn’t miss you when he’s away and doesn’t even ask  for you, something is not right. If your son get upset and even cries when he has to go home to you, there’s something not right here. For these reasons and more, I had to make a decision. I’m not sure of the future consequences. However, I strongly believe that certain things need to written on paper and notarized to ensure that everyone is doing something they’re supposed to be doing. For the price tag $2500, my/our peace of mind indeed has a price.

While we’re on the subject of marriage…

Here are a few of those advices that I was talking about earlier.  The funny thing is I’ve heard some of these things in real life.

I hate budgets

I never wanted to be an accountant. Both my parents are and I used to tell them: “Well I’ll just borrow your books (huge library of accounting books!) if I want some insight.” The only thing I regret about this accounting neglect was the fact that I never learned to budget. And I would have never really learned about them if I didn’t get married. You see, I may not know certain things but I always managed to save and pay all my bills. I spend, pay bills and save the rest. That was usually my pattern. These things seemed to work for me but everything changed when I got married. And then I realized that the world of finances also plays a great role in a couple’s life. In fact, it is the leading cause of divorce. Huh? What? But we love each other! No sweety, that’s not enough. You mean to tell me that my mother has been praying for me to find a husband. When I get one, not only I have to worry about keeping him (I know many have heard the advices), I need to worry about not fighting about money. You’re joking right ? No honey. See now, it’s our money, our bills, our debt. What ? So even though, I don’t have student loans, I have to worry about his. That’s right! Give me a break. Oh honey, the for the better or worse clause had a lot of sub-clauses. I signed that contract ? You sure have… with many witnesses. This is bull! Well honey, you just need to learn to budget properly and things will be just fine. What word did you use? Budget. What the heck is that? Dave Ramsey will show you. Who is that? The guy that is going to get you out of debt, he’s a genius at this finance stuff and will get you and Pooh on this same page. Have you met Pooh? I don’t think he ever heard of the concept either and is having serious issues every time I say no to something he wants. If he loves you he will do it. It just takes patience. LOL.
Yes ladies and gentlemen, we need to get on a budget and stash some cash because this I-get-payed-and-I-don’t-know-where-my-paycheck-goes-after-bills-and-stuff syndrome is kicking our behinds and is not worth it. I already know what’s on my to-do list to teach my kids because this is ridiculous. And one more thing, people should attend some finance seminar of some sort. Not when you’re about to get married but waaaay before that. When you get your first job. When you are about to graduate. When you start dating, make it a fun activities. Because I find it hilarious that you are planning your wedding, and when you see your  priest and attend the couple’s retreat, that’s when they tell you all about the statistics and ask you about the way you manage money. I find that hilarious. Because, let’s be honest, if you had said no, what would have happen? Could you even have said no when you are on the i’m-in-love cloud and controlling the make-it-a-perfect-wedding stress ? What does this advice mean: “don’t ever fight about money, it will drive your marriage apart” ? People please. The best advice for me is: get to hustle because if you have been living on your own before you got married, you will not view money the same way at all. You need to sit down and work, work, work on it and finally come together. And if you love each other, you will make it.