This summer…

…is officially over. But I like to reflect back and say that it was a wonderful summer for my self-esteem. My friends and family have been fantastic with the compliments. My wardrobe was altered slightly: something about feeling good about yourself makes you want to look at bit sexier then you were. And it was wonderful. So wonderful that I stopped trying and my goal has been out of sight. The drinks and food have been flowing. And somehow I am losing sight of the goal that I wanted to reach. And now fall is here. And hibernation is inevitable. And baking season is here. Oh boy oh boy.
Should I just chuck it up and just wait for January 1st to start a new resolution? My decision? No. I have a goal and I want to reach it. I have nothing to stop me. Except myself. I have been my biggest obstacle in the past 2 months. My travelling is over. No more “vacation diet”. You know the “I’m on a vacation and I will get back on track when I get back.” No more of that. So go me go.

I lost 30 pounds and….

I have plateaued. What a shame… I was starting to enjoy the constant weight loss every week. I even won $100 out of it. But I have hit a slow stop. I am not gaining but I am not losing from what I can see. I take full responsibility because I am feeling quite content and losing sight of my ultimate goal. I have been feeling pretty good ad looking good if I might add. Loosing 30 really showed and I love it. I feel that maybe I am liking the plateau a little too much. I bought some new clothes because my other clothes we re really falling off of me (yay). So now, I need to motivate myself some more. I am halfway there and I need to keep pushing. If not harder. Because the first part of the road was good but now the challenge is how much do you really want it. Do you really want to reach the goal you set for yourself or is halfway is good enough.

If you were in Haiti, he would have left you already

I‘m not a totally conventional woman according to my mother. When I was “allowed” to finally date and had an official boyfriend, I never dressed up unless we were going somewhere special. I got out of the gym and went to say hi. I wore regular clothes and no makeup. My theory was you need to love me in every way possible (au natural, made up, tired, etc…) I learned how to cook against my will and made a point to tell my boyfriends that I didn’t know how to cook. I never thought it was fair that I was helping my mom clean the house from top to bottom, washing clothes by hand while my brothers were just hanging out in their rooms simply because they were boys.
Fast forward many years later, my husband is the main cook in the house. He cooks, I clean. He takes out the trash, I do laundry. I think we work on striking a balance when it comes to the work around the house and in life in general. I don’t believe that if we are both working the same type of jobs and for the same amount of hours, I am expected to have food on the table every night. I never thought this was right thus I live by the rules that I believe are right. And then my mom comes to visit…..dissecting everything I do wrong of course. One of them is asking my husband what’s for dinner instead of providing it. Reminding me that my generation doesn’t know how to handle marriage and that’s why there’s so many divorces nowadays. And the coup de grâce, I am lucky I live in the US because had I stayed in Haiti, other women would have snatched my husband a long time ago because they don’t play. What does one answer to that? Absolutely nothing. Does cooking every day really “keep a husband”? Because I know some fabulous women that I observed do everything around the house and their husbands still ” strayed”. They didn’t leave their wives but always seem to have time to do someone else. Did I miss something here? Are we doomed because I failed my “training”?
I believe in love and respect. I respect my husband and I appreciate everything he does and that’s what I want him to do in return. Not just expect that his laundry is done but appreciate that it was done. I feel that when the appreciation is lacking in a marriage that’s when the real trouble start. Am  I wrong to think like that? Is that really considered a progressive or feminist thought?

I don’t see it but I can feel it

I‘ve been obsessed with the scale lately and it’s getting on my nerves. So I decided to give it a break for a couple of weeks. You see, I have been doing my best with my food intake and I have been looking at the numbers slowly but surely go down on the scale. It’s exciting to know that what I am doing is working but… I just don’t see it. I look at my face and I don’t see the slimming. I look in the mirror, same body. I put on my clothes, same size. ok. Maybe not as tight but same size. I’m not saying that I’m not happy about it but I just can’t see if when I look in the mirror. I totally understand why people get discouraged when you think you’re working and one of you factors is not matching up to the other (scale+clothes+belly+…)
Even after all of this, I’m ok with it because the way I feel. I feel simply fantastic. I feel lighter. I don’t see it but my knees feel it. They don’t hurt when I stand for too long. My walks to the train station has shortened (by a whole min! – and yes I time myself). I just feel lighter and just better. I like this feeling. I still have my rolls but that’s not the only thing I see when I am looking at myself in the mirror. In some aspects, I have already reached one of my goals which was to just feel better. I’m petite by technical standards (5’3″) and I have size 6 feet. I felt like to keep going the way I was would just not work out for me. And I was longing for a day where a 15 mins walk was no longer a big deal and if I ran to catch the train, I wouldn’t feel like I was dying. I have achieved that goal and I’m excited. For that reason, I’m giving my scale up for a month so that I can enjoy that awesome feeling I have of actually enjoying my present body, enjoying feeling lighter on my feet. Here’s to victories!

Unemployment Sucks..

One of the reasons that are budget is so tight these days is because there was a job loss in my little unit since november. And let me say, it’s killing me. Oh yeah, it totally totally sucks. And please don’t start with the emergency fund, the 6 months just in case. Let me tell you something, I’ve heard it all and it sounds just like my mother’s advice. I don’t really listen until I am in a mess and I am reminded. If you ask any of my friends, I am very frugal (I’ve lived on college budget for so long), always on time and very bohemian (as in, I drove my little 1998 Toyota corolla until my brother totalled it) because flashy things don’t always appeal to me. Flash forward a couple more years, I’m married to the biggest spender (Sweet Charity anyone?), generous to a fault, live every day like is your last day, hunk of a man. And a couple more thousands dollars in debt, a couple more expensive item (including a house) later, here we are. Constant reminders to live on a tight budget, reminders that when the new job is found, the hole that we are in will need to be filled so that we can never be in this situation again. Did we have warnings? Absolutely. Did we listen? Nope. Are we going to be better? You better believe it because frustration cannot be a daily or healthy factor in any marriage.
On the other side of things, does that help with the diet? Oh yeah baby. Because we have no money, we have to do more cooking at home. We have to make sure we are packing lunches. And sometimes, sometimes, some mandatory liquid diets and fasting are in order. And sometimes, we just go forget this: buffet today! Regret tomorrow.
Finding the balance in this like my friends is crazy. Learning to listen and practice good advice is another. But this is part of our journey right? Some people know right away, some people take time, some people never learn… Which lot are you in?

I’ve had some success so far….

I‘ve decided to track everything I ate since I started to take my journey seriously. I’ve read and heard all the advice and the first step is usually “write down what you eat”. So that’s what I did. I started tracking everything. My goal was simple to track. Whatever it is I was eating. I bought a journal, and an app. But since my phone is attached to my hip, I basically ditched the journal (it was hard, I love pretty journals) and just kept up with my app. My goal initially was to just be honest with myself, just honest. No depriving, not controlling, just “seeing” what goes in my body. I use a handy dandy little app called Lose It! and have been a dedicated user. I don’t believe it’s the best out there in terms of database honestly, because sometimes I would to go google for some food and the other competitor sites would the items but not this one. But since I already had it on my phone, I just supplemented. I mean when you are in a relationship, you have your partner that is not without fault. You look around and other people might have qualities that you like and you think they’re missing. You don’t just dump or leave them, you do your best to encourage or add some of the missing ingredients, I mean, qualities. You leave the core as it is since that’s what attracted you in the first place. And you of course appreciate the good stuff. One of the features I love about this app are the Challenges. I totally get a kick out of finishing some of them and earning badges. So cool! Fake rewards? Yes!
And like “they” predicted, the more I started to track, the more I saw what I was eating, the more I started to cut back, started to substitute. According to the picture, I think I might be on the right track. Not bad Dee, not bad at all…

Second Culture Mommy

I was not born in the US. I was born and raised in Haiti. I moved here officially eleven years ago and have established this country as my new home. This was never my intention. The original plan was to come, study, experience the country and go back to my Haiti where I would build a great career with my U.S. diploma. I have my network down there, my parents home and everything at my disposal. No brainer.
And then, while getting my master’s degree, I fell for the trap. I fell in love. Crazy, make your head spin and heart beat faster love. He was intelligent, good looks, great smile,… I can go on but you get the picture. Funny thing is he was Haitian too but has already been living here, had an established career and had no intention of going back our Motherland. So…I did what made most sense, I stayed here.
All of this background to get to today’s topic: Dual cultures, can that be past down? I’m curious because nowadays, having Minnie Me, I am full of questions about how to raise right, to be a good person, etc… But also, how to give her a Haitian and an American culture in a non-confusing manner. Fun story, she came home the other day and wanted to play. She held my hands and wanted to spin around and started to sing :”ring around the rosy…”. I’m like what the heck is that? And then the more I listened, the song sounded familiar but it was definitely something that I didn’t learn from my childhood. It was something from the children around here. That made me wonder. I am all about her leaning these songs and I will learned them so that I could play with her (I am that kind of mom). I wonder if I could show her the games that I’ve played, the songs that I’ve learned. I loved my little french and creole songs. I loved the fun games from my childhood and I still remember most of them. How do I implement that? How have parents done it before me? Did they not care? Or were they so preoccupied in learning a new culture themselves that they just encourage their children to learn to become somewhat of a guide in this new world? Ever wonder?

I have not been exercising

 You read right. I’m not lifting, not running, not cycling, the only walking I’m doing is walking casually from the train station to my job and like a maniac back to catch my ride back to my car. And when I get home, I’m so tired all I want to do is take a nap. But since I’m a mommy, I actually have to do some work when I get home.
Now if you’re reading this and thinking well then, she is not serious about that weight loss! No way. Diet and exercise are the key ingredients to a succesful weight loss! I know I know. And I am very well aware of this but here is my tale.
Last year was a crazy start. I was working out three times a week at least. Picking up Minnie Me, dropping her off at the wonderful babysitting and heading off to zumba, kick boxing, the occasional spinning and my favorite body pump. Loved it every time and saw absolutely no results. I look the same, felt the same and my scale showed the exact same number. No matter what I did and how I motivated myself, I was still looking in the mirror and seeing the same image. I didn’t get it. So when our budget got tight, what was the first thing to go? The gym. My pocket got somewhat alleviated but what my weight….skyrocked. And here I am now. What happened there?
I figured it out. I was eating like crap. Not like crap but basically anything I wanted. I mean I work out almost every day so I can eat anything I want. I mean there’s a balance there right? Wrong! See, the type of food you ingest really do affect how you feel and how your body processes. I read that all the time, seen it everywhere but really could care less because I figured I’m putting the gym time in then my success is inevitable. So this time around, I decided to do something else. I decided to attack from the other end of the spectrum. I decided to take care of what I eat. I’m not depriving myself by any means because I know I will fall back into crazy habits and ridiculous eating binges when I’ve starved myself for days. No. I am remastering my palette. I am making some conscious decisions, making some substitutions here and there. Instead of rice, maybe some veggies. Instead of bread with the soup, maybe just soup. That sort of thing. And when I want pizza, damn it I have pizza. I just don’t have four slices of pizza, with seven wings, fries and wash things down with a soda. I think I might call this new lifestyle “restraint”.

What’s important to you?

I found this little nugget on tumblr and saved it to my phone so that I could talk to myself from time to time. I give great pepe talks! Absolutely, ask any of my friends. But when it comes to myself, sometimes I wonder if I just like the sound of my own voice. Not in everything thank God. Just on things that I feel that I have gotten comfortable in without realizing. It’s one thing to see your weight go up on the scale, to see your size changing (say it with me, waist expansion) and brush it off. It’s another to talk about doing the work and just come home ans lay down. So I decided to do a personal inspection and see exactly what’s going on with me.
What exactly is important to me? Honestly, my health is very important to me. Really my health. I work in a hospital and even if it’s in the IT department, you can’t help seeing what’s happening around. As a matter of fact, just building the software for the hostpital, you are introduced to terminlaogy that you never knew existed. Frankly it’s pretty scary and sometimes keeps me up at night. I figure if I’m not at my best, I can take care of anything else. I have money problems. If I can’t go to work I can’t fix that. I have a daughter with too much energy for tired little me. If I can’t jump up and down or run around after her, she’ll slowly become a slob and that’s all on me. Therefore, if it’s important to me, let me take care of it. If I can make sure my daughter has a ready lunch box every day when she goes to school. I can take the time and do the same for me and ensure I have some good stuff in there. Why not start there? I have to work, I have to eat. Instead of spending $10 for lunch (Boston is no joke), I can work on carving out a little time to make sure I get some good stuff in my body.
Lunchbox prep is the word here. Let’s do it.

Hello again world

If I count how many times I said I’m on a diet in this blog, I would crawl under my covers and cry some fat tears. I came back to the blog and read the last post and I felt really inspired. I should really start following my own advice. This I talked about two years ago. I did not make it happen. Matter of fact, I am heavier now than I ever was before. I am pregnancy weight without a baby. Isn’t that a shame? But my determination for that dream has become stronger than ever. Because I want to be healthy, I want to walk up stairs without having to catch my breath for thirty minutes, I want to wear my heels without feeling knee pains later on, I want to look at my body in the mirror and not feel like a failure (I really don’t like the rolls on my back – I’m not kidding). So here’s to me on this beautiful journey. Let’s pick up where I left off. This blog will probably have some new stories in there because my mind has been very active and I really feel like writing. Here’s to me. This blog is going to be just about me. The very busy Dee…