Second Culture Mommy

I was not born in the US. I was born and raised in Haiti. I moved here officially eleven years ago and have established this country as my new home. This was never my intention. The original plan was to come, study, experience the country and go back to my Haiti where I would build a great career with my U.S. diploma. I have my network down there, my parents home and everything at my disposal. No brainer.
And then, while getting my master’s degree, I fell for the trap. I fell in love. Crazy, make your head spin and heart beat faster love. He was intelligent, good looks, great smile,… I can go on but you get the picture. Funny thing is he was Haitian too but has already been living here, had an established career and had no intention of going back our Motherland. So…I did what made most sense, I stayed here.
All of this background to get to today’s topic: Dual cultures, can that be past down? I’m curious because nowadays, having Minnie Me, I am full of questions about how to raise right, to be a good person, etc… But also, how to give her a Haitian and an American culture in a non-confusing manner. Fun story, she came home the other day and wanted to play. She held my hands and wanted to spin around and started to sing :”ring around the rosy…”. I’m like what the heck is that? And then the more I listened, the song sounded familiar but it was definitely something that I didn’t learn from my childhood. It was something from the children around here. That made me wonder. I am all about her leaning these songs and I will learned them so that I could play with her (I am that kind of mom). I wonder if I could show her the games that I’ve played, the songs that I’ve learned. I loved my little french and creole songs. I loved the fun games from my childhood and I still remember most of them. How do I implement that? How have parents done it before me? Did they not care? Or were they so preoccupied in learning a new culture themselves that they just encourage their children to learn to become somewhat of a guide in this new world? Ever wonder?

Family Dynamics

Today I’m reflecting on how two families with similar backgrounds and similar middle class mindset and education can be totally different. Also, I am reflecting on how when people are giving you the reasons why when you get married you have to move with your husband only, they tell you this for all the wrong reasons. Just like they give us the right reason to “wait.” You see the reason why when you get married, it is ideal to move in your own place on your own is the limited interaction with each other’s family. Yeah siry. That is the main reason besides learning one anther’s dynamics. I came to this conclusion this weekend as I was examining once again why I married the guy, why I moved away for him, how I miss my family (blood and created, etc… My theory is as follows, when in the dating phase (aka gaming phase), the sole objective is to gain the other. Acquire their trust, their love ,their affection and be excited by one another’s company,etc…. However once, you’ve become official, that’s when “they” come in. I’m not talking about your friends and those cousins (we will refer to them as FAM1) that have been partaking in the exciting part of the courtship. Not the ones that have been telling you what you should be doing, how to turn him on, don’t give up, etc… Nope. I am referring to the people, let’s face it, you will have the big wedding for (let’s call those FAM2 – sorry mom!). They’re the ones that are so glad that you found somebody to add to the family. The ones that evaluated if he/she was worthy of the apple of their eye. That’s when in the process, everybody has an opinion. You usually ask FAM1 what they think or what you should do, FAM2 loves to tell you and point out how you could/should handle this better. FAM1 is happy for you and would have gone to a party celebrating your love, FAM2 wants to show that we have standards and there is a proper that things are done. Now here’s the kicker, when you get married and live with your husband/wife, you have try to establish a new FAM1 dynamics if you live with your in-law family (FAM3). Why ? Because they don’t know you. Your FAM1 knows your habits,what the raise of your eyebrows in a certain way means, when and how you get cranky, the reasons why you can become a bitch, why you don’t want to be bothered, the types of hugs you give and the polite manners you have when you’re totally blowing off someone. This FAM3 does not know it and they confuse you. You see, you’ve been living a certain way for so long that it takes a while to sink in that this is just like making new friends. You are not on your own, in your little world with the husband you convinced to be with you because of the way you are. Nope, you are with FAM3 now and you must direct your rules once more and learn their mannerism, the tactics, their mood swings, their tell signs.